fix my essay following the My professor asked

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REFLECT

You have drafted your My Strategy essay on how you will tackle the topic of bullying in high school in your larger research-based essay.

IDEA MAP

Paragraph 1:Explains bullying – which is on the rise.It is important to get to what is at the root and understand what those on the receiving end experience in order to eradicate it.

Paragraph 2: Several causes related to bullying.Essential to monitor behavioral attributes of students.

Paragraph 3:Certain physical features or vulnerabilities can result in being bullied.

Paragraph 4:Combatting bullying must begin with a clear definition of what bullying actually consists of.Positive behavior must be rewarded.Parents should also be involved in helping to correct any negative behaviors.

Paragraph 5:Guidelines have been instituted to help manage the emotional segment as it pertains to bullying.(various school boards/European phycological association) Very clear consequences associated with bullying.

RECOMMENDATIONS AND STRATEGIES FOR IMPROVEMENT

I feel strongly that I need to reiterate a lot of the feedback from the first LOA.Again – its critical to understand the reason why you are doing this assignment in the first place.

Quite simply: you are coming up with a plan to do research and support your ideas/beliefs about a topic for a longer research paper, due at the end of the semester.Because this is quite an involved and lengthy assignment, it is important to focus early on so that your research is targeted and supports your thesis/POV.

This essay takes what you know and what you believe and lets your professor know 1) where you plan to look for information 2) what you hope to find/prove 3) what you seek to explain in your upcoming assignment.

You’ve done quite a bit of moving things around, but as indicated last week; some key aspects of the assignment are still missing. Again – I would encourage you to relook/rethink the following:

FOCUS:Do you want to look at profiling the bully and what factor causes the bullying? OR…do you wish to explore the consequences of the bullying on the victim.To begin, it will help to know which way you are going, and you can still implement a no tolerance policy on bullying in general.

YOU SAY: (thesis/focus)

“Therefore, it is for this reason that the following analysis seeks to investigate and analyze the effects of bullying in a high school setting. Additionally, the above results will go-ahead to form the basis for finding the underlying cause of the menace and fining solutions to the same. The problem at hand points to the rampant bullying cases that exist in schools, and it is essential to get to the root of it.”

Let’s see how we can make that stronger/clearer: (1: feel free to use this as a starting point 2: this should be the very last sentence in your introduction)

“I plan to research (WHAT SOURCES?? WHERE WILL YOU LOOK – BESIDES OBSERVING CLASSES, ETC.?INSERT THEM HERE:BE SPECIFIC) in order to determine why bullying in high school is rampant by closely examining the root causes and proposing that academic institutions implement a clear consequence and a zero-tolerance environment.” (SO – this would be a thesis if you are looking at WHY bullying occurs in the first place)

From there, you would transition into the body of your essay.

The body will talk about the problem and what you believe to be at the root of it.What will you need to look at in order to learn more?Where might you look?

POTENTIAL CAUSES OF THE PROBLEM OR NEED: What do you think caused the problem or need is? What information do you need to discover about cause of the problem or need? Where do you intend to discover that information?

  • You talk about the cause and understand what you believe to be the cause of the problem.THE FOLLOWING IS STILL MISSING:
    • What information do you need to discover about the issue?
    • Where do you intend to find or discover this information?

POTENTIAL SOLUTIONS TO THE PROBLEM OR WAYS TO SATISFY THE NEED: What do you think can solve the problem or satisfy the need? What information do you need to discover about solving the problem or satisfying the need? Where do you intend to discover that information?

  • You have presented a solution to solve the problem.THE FOLLOWING IS MISSING:
    • What info will you need to find in order to be able to support your theory on how the problem can be solved?
    • Where will you look for this information?Simply observing classes is not sufficient – there has to be tangible research that profiles the bully/victim.Can you think about/discover some credible sources?

Conclusion:

Conclude with a paragraph that reiterates how you will be approaching your upcoming, lengthy assignment.Be sure to connect back to the thesis.

*** It is also important to remember that this essay is much less about expressing your opinion and much more about how you are going to support what you believe – what steps will you take?What research will you use?What’s the plan?

SENTENCE LEVEL ERRORS:

“It is for this reason that we get to reduce the spread in bullying, especially given the fact that it makes students suffer untold consequences both in short and in the long run.”

Try to write more concisely.Eliminate any unnecessary words:

“It is for this reason that we must reduce the spread of bullying; especially given the fact causes students to suffer untold consequences both short and long term.”

See links for help with writing concisely/eliminating words:

https://writingcenter.unc.edu/tips-and-tools/conciseness-handout/

https://dianaurban.com/words-you-should-cut-from-your-writing-immediately

“It is, therefore, crucial that we have a look and checks the behavioral attributes of such students to avert their bullying tendencies for that matter.”

Same as above:

‘Therefore, it is crucial that we examine the behavioral attributes of such students to avert their tendency to revert to bullying.”

“The other general causes of bullying look at the fact that one feels the need to revenge since they were bullied.”

Use the correct preposition. For is typically used with a noun (revenge)

“The other general causes of bullying look at the fact that one feels the need for revenge since they were bullied.”

See link for some quick tips:

https://www.espressoenglish.net/difference-between-to-and-for/

WRAP UP:

I am reiterating again that this assignment looks less at explaining the issues/your POV around bullying and more about what you hope to prove through research and based on what you know in your larger research assignment.You are essentially presenting your plan to the professor.Please also consider meeting with a tutor from GSS, as this will be continual support throughout the semester when it comes to strengthening sentences and grammar.Good luck with revisions.

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