Edit My Paper (2 pages)

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Below is my teacher comments about my paper. I want you to edit my paper based on these comments:


Purpose & Focus: 10.25/15

Organization & Transitions: 4.5/5

Tone & Editing: 4.5/5

Overall Grade: 19.25/25

Nice start! You have identified a problem and have established that it is, in fact, a problem. Crime in the streets is certainly a pressing issue that calls for a speedy resolution. While you have discussed this general problem fairly well, you have actually not specified what area you are writing about. Crime can occur anywhere, of course, but the particularities of each community certainly matter. Some of the contributing factors you name, such as inadequate street lighting or scarce police presence, may not be factors in every area experiencing a crime wave. Being specific about the location of the problem can help you to explain to your audience the particular nuances of that area and also help you to better develop a unique solution tailored to that area. Your overall scope here is good, and I have no doubt that the statistics you cite back you up. However, the assignment calls for you to identify a local problem and then to propose, develop, and defend one particular solution. You are getting there, but have not quite done that yet. If you choose to revise, I recommend editing this work to address a local issue of crime and to focus on just one way to address the problem. It might not be the absolute solution, but just try to focus on advancing the best solution you can think of.

Overall, this is a start in the right direction with room for improvement. Nice start!


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